What I Really Eat

Warning: super long wall of text.

SECOND WARNING: super long wall of text. This is stuff I want to pass to my grandkids, and I don't have any so you are my grandchild.

Set aside 15 minutes for this sucker. It took 2 days and all written from the remainder of my brain.

 I've posted over 300 recipes, solely a selfish recipe box for how I make stuff for myself, and if anybody's interested, that makes me happy.

There was an event this summer and I got some drain bamage, not bad but I'm slow. I noticed the last couple recipes were very simplistic, and ain't nothing wrong with that. I thought I'd share the stuff I eat when it's not a rib roast or giant lasagna.

This is the fun part, digging up memories:

Top things are Pasta Fajoli Olive Garden style. Beans meat tomato veggies pasta. I want a full meal in one baggie. I make a gallon of this every month, and never ever ever get tired of it. Since like 15 years ago.

Tuna Noodle casserole. I go fancypants with a smoked cooked sliced sausage and a can of green chiles and Romano.

Cheese enchiladas with onions. Once a year treat, carryout/

Mac and cheese: Same as TNC but no tuna :) I have a pound container of Kraft style cheese powder and usually throw in some Ranch powder and a slice or two of nasty American cheese with dried milk and browned sausages. Save them for last or they'll lose flavor melting in.

Vermicelli and cheese: same as above. Marvelous texture with mostly cheese powder and milk, one slice of American cause it glops up. I pan fry the pasta in butter, which gets golden brown and nutty in flavor. Goes down super easy if you are sans teeth.

Smoked Oysters, smoked baby clams or squid on a Ritz. Nuff said.

I've been in a popcorn phase since money got tight. I do a cheese and caramel version to satisfy my salt sugar needs Microwave half stick butter, 1 cup brown sugar for a 2-3 minutes, watch it and don't let it get dark. It'll fluff and foam up so WATCH it. Take it out and add the magic:1/4 cup corn syrup, 1 teaspoon vanilla, and 1/2 teaspoon baking powder. This makes it foam up more and is light like Fiddle Faddle. Spread out on parchment to cool, then put it back in a paper bag for a minute. What we did was toss with the caramel, the 2nd go-round melts it more gently, and boils off the moisture in the corn and butter. Let it air out for like 10 minutes after nuking for 1 minute or so. Douse with 1/4 cup Kraft style cheese and baggie it up after the cooling/drying phase. Romano and Ranch with milk powder and Fruit Fresh for zing, bonus points for a teaspoon of cream of tartar for Sour City.

Canned Soup: Way back in the larder I have like 10 cans each of tomato and homestyle chicken. Only used when sick or dodgy tummy. Tomato gets 1 cheese and milk and pasta. Chickysoup gets Cavendar's seasoning and a dash of hot pepper sauce, and white pepper, Go super light, that stuff is HOT. Stock up on weird soups like cream of chicken or nacho cheese good in winter casseroles. "Hot Dish" as they say in Minnesota and Iowa.

Barley beef with veg is my favorite snacky soup. I don't do anything to it. Because soup. Much hatred to Campbell's that made HALF of soups condensed. I'll throw in a can of water and YUCK watery.

RICE: Jazmine for shortgrain  like you get at Asian joint  Basmati is the Indian stuff for like Chicken tikka or butter chicken is the long stuff. It breaks if you don't know what you are doing. If you REALLY don't know what you're doing with rice, get parboild. Then buy REAL rice and practice until you go blind. And keep going  after that, you can do this.  It's cheap. Screw up and toss. Do it again. And again. This is how you chef, ask Ina, a true scientist and food artist. Ina Garten if that was unclear. She or her assistants make everything 100 times.

Oyster Stew- It's been so many years, nobody can afford them, but I'm probably the only person in the state with an oyster knife. This was Dad's thing a couple times a year. Not New England style, but 1945 S Pacific navy style. They'd "bivouac" which was camping on the beach, and the first thing you do is tent or Quonset, forage food and water. Strip down to shorts and bring up piles of giant oysters and cook with taters and milk or cream and butter, or just steam them in seaweed.

Tinned pasta - Boyardee lasagna is fine if the power goes out right out of the can. Also "Potted Meat Food Product" is good on a Ritz if you can eat it. Very salty and disgusting but will keep you alive.

Tuna - right out of the can with soy sauce and olive oil.

Crispy onions - barely worth it but I do everything from scratch.

Spice mixes: KFC seasoning, Zesty Italian salad dressing powder, store bought Garam Masala and saffron and basically every spice at the indian and asian store. Walmart: $3 for two ounces. Indian store: $3 for like a pound. Methi leaves are insanely good in anything savory. Get on the MSG Bandwagon. Dry rub for BBQ. I make giant jars of these that last about 8 months. Everything Bagel seasoning, and make sure you have Montreal Steak Seasoning with its hearty and rustic thick grind. Way cheaper in a big container. Also knockoff brands are fine.

SPICES: buy everything and figure out what it's good for later. Get 5 spice grinders from Turkey off Amazon for $15. One for pepper, one for coriander, one for Himalayan salt. Also don't buy that, get Maldon salt, made from an estuary in the UK and that's the only place. It's little pyramids and the finishing salt of experts and not that expensive. Toast your corianderseed and peppercorns.

MEAT LOAF: lots of mushrooms keeps it moist. I bake half burger half bulk sausage directly on the rack with a drip tray.

Limes: I gave up on Lemons years ago when the Mexican cartels doubled the price. I'll pay up for Limoncello but everything else is limes all day. Buy a giant bag, and when they start to age in like a week or two, zest them with a European peeler, juice up the carcasses and freeze in an ice cube tray. Bag up after freezing so it won't get freezer stinky. I usually do a quart freezer bag frozen flat, breaking off chunks as needed. The zest is more valuable than the juice. Dry it out for a few days and jar it up.

Herbs: Some stuff has no substitutions. Mint with cantaloupe and watermelon. Sage for turkey and dressing. Rosemary for steak. Thyme for roast taters. Basil for tomato sauce. I think most other stuff is OK dried, but for pete's sake date your spices. You got that cheapass giant 1 lb bag at the indian store, toss it when it loses fragrance, like less than 1 year.

Chicago Dogs: My guilty pleasure with onions and relish and dill pickle ketchup mustard. Brats tasty too, they make killer ones at the nearby old time butcher shop.

Prepared Carne Asada: Super super cheap at your local supermercado with a butcher section. Perfectly seasoned and cooks instantly.

CHICKEN FEET: Yes baby you have to do it this way. It makes gelatinous rich stock, and good for anything, suggestion Soup Dumplings. 2 pounds fills a crockpot tight. Follow my instructions.

FATS: I have duck cow olive pork lard schmaltz (chicken fat) Also expensive Irish butter, It has a little less moisture and a heck of a lot of more care for the cattle. Use the chicken fat for fried eggs, the cow fat for french fries with some bacon grease. If you don't save bacon grease, you're doing life wrong.

Also trust WM for olive oil, they did giant thing for QC 15 years ago, and some stuff is el cheapo, but the olive oil is super bueno. Tastes like olives and they have a fulltime team of inspectors. Remember olive oil has a super short shelf life, like 3 months, so get a little one. Go fire up your crusty bread, and rub it with tomato quarters. All the goodies of the tomato go to the crusty bread.

Beef cuts you might not know about: Shank steak with the bone in center low and slow for stew. Score the edges about 1/2" deep to prevent curling. CHUCKEYE is the sleeper favorite. Every bit as good as a ribeye but half the price

CRUD STUFF: I'm getting really angry because poor food is trendy now. Pork necks hamhock cow stomach and gaul fat, brisket skirt steak Forget about short ribs and regular pork ribs  I super remember getting chicken wings for free and giant dog bones that go for $9 now. Me and meat have a new relationship: I'm following the Vietnamese ratio of tiny bits of meat to flavor lots of veg. I can make a tiny chuckeye go for like 3 meals. Lots of smoked sausage because it's cheap and fatty and bad for me.

Fave veg: Really onions and garlic, but that's boring but the base of everything with celery. Snow peas, mushrooms reduced in wine and butter, RAW TOMATO with transparent onions, vinegar and Cavendar's.Tip of the hat to my grandparents for that. Corn on the cob: Wrap with plastic, nuke two rounds of 4 minutes or so, and wait a LONG time for it to sit, like 20 minutes. CELERY ROOT: Can't find it anywhere but I love it, raw with salt. JICAMA from mexican stores. What happened to kohlrabi, it was a thing in the 70's. Buttered lime peas with Romano any day of the week. Quick pickles, onion horseradish carrot for Bahn Mi sammies, pineapple, garbanzos in dill pickle juice, pickled beets, Indian chutneys (check out my cranapple compote.

BREADS: Garlic toast with Romano and garlic salt and drowned in butter. Pizza: I spent years on this. Get a good dough recipe, use King Arthur flour, and blast the hell out of it thin rolled on parchment for 5 minutes, lose the parchment and add toppings. Sauce last, kill me but suck it because it coats everything and that's what I like. Go light on toppings, biggest lesson. Let the pie shine. If you are super broke and like deep dish, fill a pie tin with refrigerated biscuits and top. Fork required. Pigs in a blaket Deluxe: Brown Lil Smokies for 10 minutes until glossy and dark. Let cool, wrap in one half of a flaky refrigerated biscuit. Dunk in egg wash 50/50 water. Place on parchment, go heavy with Everything Bagel, bake till brown, about 12 minutes and maybe turn once for a while. Take those suckers to work on Monday morning and you will be beloved. Oh yeah half a pickled jalapeno slice or a bit of cheese inside. You got this, stupid easy.

Get comfy with Indian food and Naan or Roti.  Watch a video of how to eat with your hands. Try EVERYTHING on the buffet, the ugly brown crap is the best crap. Pretty looking indian food is probably besan flour and sugar and rosewater. Go ugly. Goat meat is for sure a gamey acquired taste, I don't like it. I like a lamb Gyro or schwarma from a street cart. Dive into chutneys! It's kind of a palate cleanser like they do with Korean BBQ and five million bowls of little stuff.

My favorite is Raita, it's very close to Tsadziki, but my kind is yogurt, onion, cucumber, mint and garlic. Super cooling and a perfect match to spicy Butter Chicken or tikka or vindaloo. I give newbies a bite of butter chicken and then have them do a chaser with the bread and raita and their eyes literally bug out from gastronomic joy. I like berry chutneys with onion with curry or heavy fried stuff.

TATERS: Roasted with Kenji's recipe, French fries deep fried, hash browns crispy with eggs ham jalapeno cheese salt and pepper with salsa. Alternatively use tortilla chips. Tater tots loaded and deep fry them. Bake tato fork it all over, slick it up with olive oil and kosher salt 45 minutes in a hot oven right on the rack. 

Buy dehydrated sliced taters wholesale. I bought 10 pounds a few years ago, and donated most of it to needy folks. I still have like 4 gallon bags stuffed. Also buy OTC meds wholesale, a fraction of the price.

Frozen stuff: Short list peas, peas and carrot, raw shrimp, soup dumplings. Remember: WM $7 for six dumplings. Asian store $7 for two pounds. Take 6 or so and drop them in a skillet with a teaspoon of oil and two tablespoons of water, cover and blast for like 5 minutes. Take the lid off and let the water boil off. This steams the dumpling, and pan fries the bottom There's several recipes for dunking sauce but it's basically mushroom soy sauce, a spoon of fruit preserves, green onion and ginger with hot pepper oil, red pepper flakes, white pepper and vinegar. Just wing it.

More frozen stuff: all my nuts and nut oils, they go rancid. Blackcurrants or Loganberries from the health food store. These guys last forever. Cranberries, too, it goes into my stuffing or chutney.

Those old enough will know HoJo, Howard Johnson's, which was world famous for fried clams, the joy of any smart adventurous kid. Mrs. Paul's is the only one I can find, and they got way scraggily over the years. Dip in ketchup soy sweet pickle relish. I know it's messed up but it's my jam. Need to bake two boxes for a meal, and all seafood is so expensive now, and getting scarecer. Buy it now because a lot is going away like Cod, shrimp, freshwater salmon. Oysters and clams and such is really suffering. The freaking snow crab market is GONE, no crab season for anybody. I like Swai whitefish, tender and flaky and kind of perfect, but lots of folks don't like the gross farming conditions in Vietnam. 10 minutes in the hot oven with any kind of sauce or spice or breading, and it reheats fairly well. I love me a low country boil with shrimp and crawfish and taters and corn and lemons and sausage and tons of Zatarain or Old Bay, but that's pretty spendy now, too :(

Whole fish: Asian store. It's always one day fresh with bright eyes.

Oh yeah let's talk about the Asian store. #1 fish sauce. Choose a light colored one. SNACK AISLE! Amazing stuff like wasabi peas and shrimp chips. Frozen dumplings and chow mein noodles. Again, the produce is like half the price of WM and is more beautiful. Limes, herbs, lychee nuts, Durian if you are insane, Jackfruit makes good BBQ but you have to ask if it's the good kind. Oh yeah chili garlic paste, I like chili garlic SHRIMP paste which is super funky.

If you are lucky enough to have a KOREAN asian store, Gochujang, tiny shrimp, Kimchee mix, fish sauce, garlic, napa cabbage and daikon with carrot. BEWARE it will kill everything in your fridge and you'll never get the smell out. I have a clay pot buried in the ground for this, about this time of year when the ground temp is around 50F. It gets good like after the holidays. Your mileage might vary, it's pretty good after just a couple days, but I like the fizzy fermented full blown megasour version.

If you have a JAPANESE asian store, green tea kit kats and all manners of of nori, fish flakes and concoctions. For VIETNAMESE or THAI, super cheap giant bags of sticky rice that last a lifetime, and weird herbs from those areas. If buying lemongrass, get the prepared but fresh kind, don't try to chop it up because it's hard as mahogany. Never skimp on herbs, again, the WM rule: $3 for a few leaves. Asian store $3 massive trays that you can't use up fast enough. Fresh herbs are critical for S Asian / Indian food. Pretty soon you figure out what you like, and toss them into American style food. Or a salad with NO LETTUCE. Just a little bowl, like for chutney.

BACON: Nobody bacons like the US and the brits. Super cool secret, BAKE your bacon between two sheet pans lined with parchment. Supreme flattitude and all evenly cooked.

More beef: Corned beef brisket. Slow cook braise in beer all night with savory seasonings. If you want carrot and taters and cabbage, don't cook in the crock pot. Buzz them for abt 20 minutes in 1 cup of the crockpot liquor. Add horseradish and sugar and vinegar for a disgusting looking sauce that's heaven. Maybe you have to have Irish roots. I still like Colcannon, look it up. I don't think we had Irish roots, I think we were Eurotrash from somewhere and picked up on immigrant goodies. Throw the dry hunk of meat under the broiler till it crisps up.

Speaking of roots, down south there is NOTHING, but above the 38th parallel there are Jewish people. Pastrami, coppa, braunshweiger, sausages and pickles, salads and olives. Nobody does it better. Keep an eye out for jerky and paper strip candy for the kids. Or you. And if you every go to Spain, Jamon Iberico. Italy or Germany look for Speck. Spend $100. No ragrets.

OK we're getting weird now. There's a "European" gourmet place that has a serbian owner that used to be a rocket scientist. 99% of the candy is Ukrainian. Sausages and tons of charcouterie, fish and pastries and home made borscht and dumplings and lovely stuff.

Country-ass version of canadian poutine: Burger King fries, KFC brown gravy. Mozz sticks from Arby's. I go over the top with green onion and cashews at home.

There is a west african place that has Teff flour, you make "bread" flats and it's super yum.

Halal food: Halal good, Haram bad. It's kind of like kosher, strict rules of what you can have and how it's prepared. It's just food. Enjoy.

You haven't gone to an Indian place, or did once and didn't like it? Ya need to try again, you ate the wrong stuff. Same with Thai. Memorize "Thai Hot" and never say those words. Say vanilla white people hot.

I love fried catfish with raw onion and home made hot sauce.

Smoking secret for fish: get hickory pellets and packetize it in foil, and SUPER thick smoke for just like 7 minutes. Wait until the smoke is rollin' coal and THEN introduce the fish to the grill. Get a fish rack. Anyway it tastes fully smoked and blows people away. Also 30/30/30 soy sauce, brown sugar and butter for salmon. It caramelizes but observe the whole time for flareups or being too hot. Works for chicken wings, too.

Some of the hispanic places are so good, you just go random with anything and it's excellent. Coctel de Cameron for beginners. Don't fear, all these places are AMERICAN and they all speak english It's an odd mix of Clamato, shrimp, tomato, diced onion, avocado and hot sauce and maybe cucumber and tons of lime juice, and a bit of Worcestershire, maybe celery or celery seed or salt. It's a ceviche variant and could have clams or whelks or urchin or conch or whitefish.

Banana split if I'm not repeating, you forgot how good they are. Add peanut butter for a carb blast. Get some Carnation vanilla malt powder and put it on your ice cream.

GELATO: Americans are greedy bastards and fluff up ice cream with air. Gelato is pure and made with love. It's expensive because DUH there's no air in it. You just need a tiny serving, it's so rich. Recent discovery: Halo Top brand mango sorbet and popsicles, all the flavors are great and they stock it at WM. Kinda spendy but good value.

Bananas Foster if you are a pyro gastronome.

Anchovy stuffed olives from Spain. Trust me.

That's a wrap, I'll update in a few hours when I start remembering other stuff.

Oh yeah, Knorr noodle packets or noodles and rice. They don't resemble what they're called, and they all taste about the same, but it's noodles in 7 minutes and freaking delicious. Also Maggi brand sauce and bullions. Better than Bullion rules this world. I go through jars of it but it's kind of spendy so I still get regular powder bullion when I can use it.

STOCK: It does not exist in stores. It might say STOCK but it's pisswater. You need bones and a little meat and rich gelatine. Forget even trying to make Pho without 24 hour grandma stock from beef and or pork. Please don't serve me soup made with "broth" from the store. Ya gotta boil bones, period.

HAM AND BEANS: I recommend canned beans because it's a crap shoot with dry beans 2 years old that never get soft. For the hocks, go big if you can with real smokehouse hocks. The butcher will saw them up so they fit in the pot. I go deluxe with an extra one pound ham steak diced.

RICE A RONI: Normal humans don't make this enough. You are done buying boxed stuff. Use vermicelli from the hispanic pasta section, or angel hair pasta but it takes like 5 minutes to snap it all into vermicelli. Fun with vermicelli: Make India indian pudding, instant Pistachio works fine with about 1/4 cup of noodles. Weird but delicious. For rice a roni, do 1.25 cups pasta and 3/4 jasmine rice. Sautee and simmer in 2 tbsp butter, throw in onion garlic and 1.8 cups water. Get it furiously sizzling until brown, and add a tablespoon of bullion paste and a bit of MSG or soy sauce, cover and 20 minutes later, you done and eating. I like smoked sausage diced up or carne asada prepared. Or shrimp or ham or chicken. Go nuts with peas.

Make your own salad dressing, I have several recipes but love Zesty Italian, it's EZ. Add it to a bottle of white vinegar. Don't add oil because it will congeal. If you want oil do it right in the bowl. Shave down some parm or Romano with a Euro peeler, and don't forget a bit of fruit like blueberries or cantaloupe.

I'm going to double down and restate tomatos, onion and vinegar. Use your zesty italian and tons of Cavendar's and let it go in the fridge for a couple hours. It all breaks down and gets sweet. Add a little hard cheese and sliced avocado if you can. If there is a god, he invented this combo and it was my family's favorite. Trick is getting GREAT tomatos. The vine ripened expensive ones are my go to, and when scraping for money, those shitty pink Roma tomatoes will mature and soften but it takes like 10 days. Fresh tomatoes require patience, and wait until they're almost rotten. You will be rewarded. I like a few sliced Anchovy olives in that too. Again, do not fear. Trust me.

ANCHOVY: again and again, do not fear. Get the paste in a tube and it lasts for months. It's the heart and soul of Ceaser salad and tomato sauce for pasta. YOU WON"T NOTICE but it's super savory and once you learn to embrace it, your meals will be fantastic. I'm hard core and go for Pasta Puttinesco (whore pasta, stinky)

Last time, I'm not giving up, do the tomato vinegar onion avocado.

FRUIT: Man we have good fruit except for peaches. Grapes year around! I'm old and remember when you could only get them for a few weeks, same with watermelon and they damn sure had seeds. Frozen peaches are terrible, way under ripe unless you cook them. Blueberries frozen good to go out of the bag. They have canned Mango now, the most magical fruit of them all. You have to get smart with fresh mango and let them go until super rotten, and you have to learn how to cut them up, it's tricky.

I promise last time, but vinegar tomato and onion salt and pepper. You are missing the taste of summer, the taste of life. When I was a child (again) the tomatoes were only for a few weeks this time of year and I can still see, smell and sense Grandma's table with a huge platter of beefsteak maters.

Fun tomato facts: NEVER refrigerate. Now if you have like a huge bushel and want them for winter, no canning required. Freeze them into solid baseballs, and the skin floats to the surface for your sauce.

I know I promised, but I'm eating tomato salad right now and want you to experience this gift. Simple stuff is the best, like Italians cook. Just simple fresh stuff with bread and olive oil.

Ok last thing and you probably won't make this, but if you have a year or so to practise, Crabmeat Benedict. Requires real English Muffins, fresh crab (the refrigerated kind in a tub is fine) and making a poached egg with hollandaise. The only thing better than tomato salad. I spent a year making asparagus with hollandaise and can (and have) made it totally drunk and in the dark. There's a steep learning curve, but practice and throw away until you nail it. If you get this down, you can retire from cooking because it doesn't get any better.

OK I can die happy now, you have all of my magic powers. Lookin' at your Grandma. Thank you so much for your patience putting up with me as a bratty kid.

I'm going to skip baking, I can do basic stuff but it's a whole nuther animal. Oh yeah, pineapple upside down cake with the glow in the dark maraschinos and I add Garam Masala for my mystery ingredient, and also use TWO cans of pineapple and line the outside with halves. Juicy fruity and I have never found a person that turns it down. I have to go now, my tomato salad has melted my paper bowl.

All this stuff is in the blog somewhere, use the search function.